As I sit here in the quiet solitude of a Monday morning at our campsite, with summer drawing to a close, I reflect upon the summer that should have been and the summer that was. Being an EA (educational assistant) and having the summer off, the plan was for the twins and I to spend the entire summer at our seasonal campsite at West Hawk Lake. That plan changed and became spending whatever time we could at the lake between Justin's treatments, when he was feeling up to it. It's hard to believe that Justin is going in for his 4th chemotherapy treatment on Friday. It's hard to believe that the kids will be going back to school next week.
Summer goes by so fast at the best of times. When you're out having fun with your family and friends; living the easy, laid-back life it seems to fly by in the blink of an eye. It seems it also flies by amid chemotherapy treatments, CT scans, blood transfusions, hospital stays and Cancer Care appointments. I sometimes wonder how my life became this...that one pivotal moment in time derailed my course and spun me off into a new direction that I never, ever, thought I would be going in. I imagine seeing my life as a road map in God's hand. He was looking at it and saying, "Hang on, Trish, it's going to get bumpy here just around this bend."
I've never seen myself as a particularly strong person. It's surprising what you can find within yourself when forced to. Two months ago, I didn't know I had it; didn't even know where to find it. Getting that kind of news can crush you. Its almost suffocating. But then you pick yourself up because you have to. Justin needed me. All of the fear and anguish I was feeling, he was feeling. So I had to dig deep and find that inner strength to be brave for Justin. It was my job to support and encourage him, so I did. I do. Over time, after the initial shock wears off, life goes on. Sure, it's not the life we had planned but it's life just the same.
Life. And where there is life, there is hope. Hope of a bright future for all of us. And the future begins now.
Monday 26 August 2013
Thursday 15 August 2013
And We Will Roar!
I just got off the phone with a friend from work. It had been a long time since we connected. In early June, she had to take a medical leave from work to have surgery for Crohn's Disease. A couple of weeks after that, we began our journey with Justin's diagnosis.
It's almost like we have been living parallel lives in some ways. She, coming to terms with the fact that she now has an ileostomy bag and the changes that brings to her life; and we, dealing with the fact that our child has cancer and how that effects our family. How quickly we become wrapped up in our own worlds when something like this touches our lives. We all deal with things differently, but in talking with my friend, I realize that there are also many similarities in our situations. We spoke of sort of keeping to ourselves. Not reaching out to people for whatever reason; whether it be shame, fear or just sheer exhaustion and not wanting to talk to anyone. We needed time to just get our heads around what our lives have become. We dwell in our own pain, sure that no one would ever really understand what we are going through. But the truth is, there are people who understand. It might not look exactly the same but the emotional and physical pain that one feels going through Crohn's or dealing with a loved one's cancer are kindred, and in talking we found a common bond. We have both found some sort of acceptance of what we have been dealt. We will go through all of this because we have no choice. We will be strong and victorious. And when it's all said and done, we will roar!
It's certainly not what we would have chosen for our lives. We wouldn't wish it upon anyone. But it is what has been handed to us and we will make it through this. One step at a time. And by God's grace, come out stronger for having been through it. Thanks for the talk, my friend. Let the roaring begin! ♥
It's almost like we have been living parallel lives in some ways. She, coming to terms with the fact that she now has an ileostomy bag and the changes that brings to her life; and we, dealing with the fact that our child has cancer and how that effects our family. How quickly we become wrapped up in our own worlds when something like this touches our lives. We all deal with things differently, but in talking with my friend, I realize that there are also many similarities in our situations. We spoke of sort of keeping to ourselves. Not reaching out to people for whatever reason; whether it be shame, fear or just sheer exhaustion and not wanting to talk to anyone. We needed time to just get our heads around what our lives have become. We dwell in our own pain, sure that no one would ever really understand what we are going through. But the truth is, there are people who understand. It might not look exactly the same but the emotional and physical pain that one feels going through Crohn's or dealing with a loved one's cancer are kindred, and in talking we found a common bond. We have both found some sort of acceptance of what we have been dealt. We will go through all of this because we have no choice. We will be strong and victorious. And when it's all said and done, we will roar!
It's certainly not what we would have chosen for our lives. We wouldn't wish it upon anyone. But it is what has been handed to us and we will make it through this. One step at a time. And by God's grace, come out stronger for having been through it. Thanks for the talk, my friend. Let the roaring begin! ♥
Friday 9 August 2013
The Power of Prayer
We got the best possible news today at Justin's pre-chemo appointment. The radiologist's report from yesterday's CT scan showed that the tumour has shrunk about 70% and it has shrunk away from his spinal column! Also, Justin had several nodules present in both lungs on his last scan and they are now GONE!!! The doctor showed us the pictures of the scan and it is amazing. On the first one, you could barely see his left lung because the tumour was pushing so far into the lung cavity and now the tumour is just a small spot at the bottom of the picture. The doctor said that after only 2 courses of chemotherapy that this is exceptional. I have to confess that I haven't always believed in the power of prayer. I have prayed for many things over the years with no apparent answer. Maybe the things I have been asking for haven't been big enough; important enough. Or maybe God did answer them, but it just wasn't the answer I wanted. With this news, I can't see any other way around it. I am convinced that this is a direct answer to prayer. There have been so many people praying for this result. Matthew 18:19 says, "Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven." There have definitely been enough people asking God for this. I am so thankful that I have this hope and now this increased faith. How horrible it must be for people to go through this kind of thing with nothing to hold onto. I can't even imagine. I have felt despair and fear throughout this journey, but I cried out to God to help us through this and heal my son. He has heard this prayer over and over again from many, many people and He is listening. He is responding. He is good.
Thursday 8 August 2013
Birthday Blessings
Today is the twins' birthday. Thirteen years old! What better way to spend your 13th birthday than getting a CT scan, right? It was all fine and good until we got there and realized they had to put in an IV to inject the contrast medium. We assumed they would put it in the central line, but no. Justin was NOT happy! Anyway, the scan was performed and we were on our way out to our favourite little hot dog cart outside of Cancer Care. We have gotten to know Kevin, the Champion Dog owner, quite well over the past month and a half. A very sweet man who knows our names, what we usually order and our story. When he found out it was the twins' birthday today, he insisted that lunch was on him.
Next stop was Sweet Impressions to pick up the birthday cake. Once back in La Salle, I went to Jeni's (our local grocery/hardware store) to pick up some more fireworks for tonight's birthday celebration. Justin had received a box of fireworks from the owners of Jeni's via the VICTORIOUS Box a while back. It was decided then that they would be lit up on the night of their 13th birthday. I was standing there with a box of various fireworks in my hand, with a perplexed look on my face as I was trying to decide what the heck I was looking at! The owner, Tom, saw me and came over to chat. He asked how we were doing, as he hadn't really talked to us since he heard the news about Justin. I explained that things were very up and down and that he probably understood how that goes because his sister-in-law was diagnosed with cancer fairly recently and is going through chemotherapy too. I told him it was the twins' birthday and that we were going to use the fireworks that they had given to Justin, and I was looking for a few more to go along with them. He took the box out of my hands and said, "Here, let me help you out." He put the pre-packaged box away and dove into the cage of individual fireworks and started pulling out fireworks one-by-one and piling them into a box. He said, "I want to do this for you. Anything that might make things better, even for a little while." I stood there, with tears in my eyes, as he loaded the box into my car. I know I keep saying it, but it's so true; people continually amaze me with their compassion and generosity.
The best birthday present for Justin!
We got a call from the oncologist this afternoon with preliminary results from the CT scan and the tumor appears to have shrunk 60-70%! Praise God!
Carrying on with the treatments
Knowing that we are being admitted tomorrow for the next round of chemo has been weighing heavily on my heart. I'm anticipating the raw emotional roller coaster that is chemotherapy. I'm hoping that Justin can remember that it is working and that it's worth it while he's in the midst of it. But, for tonight, we will put that aside and celebrate the two young men who are just entering the time of their lives when things change so fast and emotions are high at the best of times. We will celebrate with our friends who have become even more important recently. We will eat, laugh and maybe even shed a tear as we reminisce about the good times we have had growing these two to teenagers. And we will end the night off with a bang! And forget, for a little while, what awaits us tomorrow.
Next stop was Sweet Impressions to pick up the birthday cake. Once back in La Salle, I went to Jeni's (our local grocery/hardware store) to pick up some more fireworks for tonight's birthday celebration. Justin had received a box of fireworks from the owners of Jeni's via the VICTORIOUS Box a while back. It was decided then that they would be lit up on the night of their 13th birthday. I was standing there with a box of various fireworks in my hand, with a perplexed look on my face as I was trying to decide what the heck I was looking at! The owner, Tom, saw me and came over to chat. He asked how we were doing, as he hadn't really talked to us since he heard the news about Justin. I explained that things were very up and down and that he probably understood how that goes because his sister-in-law was diagnosed with cancer fairly recently and is going through chemotherapy too. I told him it was the twins' birthday and that we were going to use the fireworks that they had given to Justin, and I was looking for a few more to go along with them. He took the box out of my hands and said, "Here, let me help you out." He put the pre-packaged box away and dove into the cage of individual fireworks and started pulling out fireworks one-by-one and piling them into a box. He said, "I want to do this for you. Anything that might make things better, even for a little while." I stood there, with tears in my eyes, as he loaded the box into my car. I know I keep saying it, but it's so true; people continually amaze me with their compassion and generosity.
The best birthday present for Justin!
We got a call from the oncologist this afternoon with preliminary results from the CT scan and the tumor appears to have shrunk 60-70%! Praise God!
Carrying on with the treatments
Knowing that we are being admitted tomorrow for the next round of chemo has been weighing heavily on my heart. I'm anticipating the raw emotional roller coaster that is chemotherapy. I'm hoping that Justin can remember that it is working and that it's worth it while he's in the midst of it. But, for tonight, we will put that aside and celebrate the two young men who are just entering the time of their lives when things change so fast and emotions are high at the best of times. We will celebrate with our friends who have become even more important recently. We will eat, laugh and maybe even shed a tear as we reminisce about the good times we have had growing these two to teenagers. And we will end the night off with a bang! And forget, for a little while, what awaits us tomorrow.
Tuesday 6 August 2013
Another step in the ever-winding road
Back from another great weekend at the lake and gearing up for a busy week ahead. This afternoon, Justin has another appointment at Cancer Care. After last week's mishap, the doctor decided that even though Justin's neutrophil counts were good on Friday he wanted him to keep taking the GCSF shots until after the weekend. The hope is that we will be told today to stop them. Apparently while these shots boost the neutrophil counts, they can cause the hemoglobin and platelets to drop. Hopefully, he won't need any transfusions and we can begin chemo on Friday without incident. We also found out on Friday that Justin will be having a CT scan on Thursday morning. There is no plan to do anything about it at this point, I guess it's just a marker to see how the tumor is reacting after two courses of chemotherapy. The plan is after six courses, they decide to either try surgically removing what they safely can or radiate at that point. He would then undergo his remaining 8 or so courses of chemo afterward. We are going into the third course of chemo on Friday.
Time Marches On
In the midst of all this chaos that has taken over our lives, we will stop and take some time to celebrate because this week Justin and Ryan turn 13! On August 8th, I will officially have a house full of teenagers. I'm not too sure how I feel about that! The twins are going into their final year of middle years and Brennan is done high school and working at a job that is starting his 'grown up' career! Where has the time gone? I remember the days when the twins were still in cribs, sharing a room. I would walk into the room after their nap to find them babbling to each other with smiles on their faces or passing toys between cribs. And years later, when they had bunk beds, telling them to be quiet and go to sleep because they would talk late into the night. They were best buds. Now, with their own rooms and teenage temperaments, things are so different. The brotherly bond is still there when push comes to shove, but they are struggling to pull away from their combined 'twin identity' and forge ones of their own. They have always been so very different, but these differences are truly becoming more evident the older they get. Don't get me wrong, it's a good thing, but it's hard for a mother to see her little boys growing up and 'apart'. They have always been the twins; a set, a unit. I guess it's my fault for putting them in that box. Now they want out of it. So, I will let them. Be your own man, because that's what you are becoming. Young men. Going through things that require so much strength and maturity because that's what life has thrown at you. At all of us. Be the men that I know you can be. But just know that you'll always be my little boys. ♥
Time Marches On
In the midst of all this chaos that has taken over our lives, we will stop and take some time to celebrate because this week Justin and Ryan turn 13! On August 8th, I will officially have a house full of teenagers. I'm not too sure how I feel about that! The twins are going into their final year of middle years and Brennan is done high school and working at a job that is starting his 'grown up' career! Where has the time gone? I remember the days when the twins were still in cribs, sharing a room. I would walk into the room after their nap to find them babbling to each other with smiles on their faces or passing toys between cribs. And years later, when they had bunk beds, telling them to be quiet and go to sleep because they would talk late into the night. They were best buds. Now, with their own rooms and teenage temperaments, things are so different. The brotherly bond is still there when push comes to shove, but they are struggling to pull away from their combined 'twin identity' and forge ones of their own. They have always been so very different, but these differences are truly becoming more evident the older they get. Don't get me wrong, it's a good thing, but it's hard for a mother to see her little boys growing up and 'apart'. They have always been the twins; a set, a unit. I guess it's my fault for putting them in that box. Now they want out of it. So, I will let them. Be your own man, because that's what you are becoming. Young men. Going through things that require so much strength and maturity because that's what life has thrown at you. At all of us. Be the men that I know you can be. But just know that you'll always be my little boys. ♥
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