He Won't Let Go

It has been a busy week and a half, but we are getting close to being finished with all the tests and scans that are necessary to ensure that Justin is clear. It turns out that they will not be waiting until after his radiation therapy to do all of his scans.  As a matter of fact, the full-body bone scan and the CT of his chest have already been completed, and the MRI of his chest is scheduled for tomorrow.  We have already received the most wonderful news that Justin's bone scan was clear!  NED! (No evidence of disease).  Thank God for these results! One down, two to go!  We are hoping and praying that the CT and MRI will give us the same results.  He also had an echo cardiogram and an EKG last week, both of which showed that the chemotherapy has done no damage to his heart so far!  The oncologist cautioned us that though this is good news, heart damage can be a long-term effect of one of Justin's chemotherapy drugs and may show up at some point in the future.  We are just thankful for the good news up to this point and cannot worry about what the future may hold.

When Justin was first diagnosed, things were dire.  We felt helpless and hopeless; our world was spiralling down into a pit of despair that seemed too deep to ever emerge from.  It was heart-wrenching to watch Justin in so much pain; so angry and terrified of what being diagnosed with cancer could mean.  I sat beside him in the hospital bed wiping his tears, rubbing his back, doing anything I could think of to try to make him more comfortable; longing just to hold him when he didn't want to be held.  More than once, Ryan was in the room witnessing this and I could see the tears in his eyes and the pain on his face.  He was being ripped apart, seeing his twin brother going through this horrible ordeal.  Being their mother, it was my job to comfort them and it seemed there was nothing I could do.  I was in such a terrible state myself that I hardly had it in me to be a comfort to my children.  At the end of Justin's first hospital stay, when we had just found out that he had cancer, Trevor, Ryan, Justin and I were in the truck on our way home.  Trevor put on a song by Rascal Flatts called Won't Let Go.  I have always loved that song but never paid too much attention to the lyrics before, thinking it was just another love song.  He told me that one night on their way home from visiting Justin in the hospital, Ryan told him that this song reminded him of what Justin was going through. As I listened to the lyrics, tears began to fall, turning into sobs as I realized that it was describing exactly how I felt sitting in that hospital bed next to Justin.  I dried his eyes, wished I could fight his fight and wanted only to hold him tight and not let go.  

It wasn't until recently, last weekend to be exact, that the song took on a new meaning for me.  As we were driving home from West Hawk after going to see our new seasonal campsite, Ryan was playing DJ and put that song on.  As I listened, I heard it in a different way.  Of course, it was still what we all wanted to do for Justin, but it was also what God wanted to do and DID for me.  He stood by me, he helped me through when I'd done all I could do and I couldn't cope; he held me tight and didn't let me go when I was going through the worst pain of my life.  Again the tears flowed as I listened, but this time they were happy tears.  Tears of joy realizing that my God has loved me through the biggest storm in my life and brought me to the other side of it with my son, who has beaten cancer. 

Won't Let Go - Rascal Flatts

It's like a storm
That cuts a path
It's breaks your will
It feels like that
You think you're lost
But you're not lost on your own
You're not alone

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
If you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it's dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we're too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight

And I won't let you fall
Don't be afraid to fall
I'm right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
You're gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go
Oh I'm gonna hold you
And I won't let go